so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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