my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
