you would pick up someone in the library
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
