Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
