i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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