remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We had sex on a dog bed..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
