shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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