Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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