my phone needs a breathalizer
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
