I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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