I think I died a long time ago.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
