i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
