matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
