she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
