She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
