My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
