Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm having to shit out rocks
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