It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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