my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
