The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
