Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
