Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
