I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Two words: blizzard sex
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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