Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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