Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
