just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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