So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
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