I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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