Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
