It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
