The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
