Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
