You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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