member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
