She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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