if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
