From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
