I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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