Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
