yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
