Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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