Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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