Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
