Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
