its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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