im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
