Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
