She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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