Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
