I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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