Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
