I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
